“What Is and What Should Never Be” or “My First Attempt To Be Honest”

i’m not happy with how things went in the past. there are more and more things piling up that i would like to change, and i believe i have to make room in my head before i go completely crazy.

okay? okay. i’m taking a risk, today.

so, i haven’t written or created much in 2013 and i’ll try to explain why. if someone asked me, i would love to say i didn’t find the time for it, had “better things to do”. and for some short periods in the last four to five months, this could be true. but not really.

in february, i had other things to do, like study for my exams. i didn’t do anything unnecessary for weeks, because i was so freaked about passing the tests. but it’s always in times of great stress that my head fills up with ideas and my heart with desire to do other things. i wanted to learn finnish. i wanted to watch “friends” and “misfits” at night, even when the next day i had to get up at five in the morning to.
i wanted to buy and read “the great gatsby”. i wanted a dog, really bad.
but over the course of two entire months, i forbid myself all of that. i didn’t read “the great gatsby”. i didn’t even buy it then, because i knew – once it was lying on my bedside table – i would pick it up and read non-stop. and i kept telling myself i didn’t have the time for that.

soon enough, my exams were over, i came home after my last one on february 25th and all i felt was this horrible fatigue. i was downright exhausted of motivating myself over such a long period of time, of studying and of hanging over fat books with a thousand pages until my eyes hurt so bad i actually had to use my reading glasses. and i promised myself that for one or two days only, i would just relax and do whatever pleased me.

something went wrong. my plan didn’t work out. in march, i suddenly had the time to make all my ideas happen, but couldn’t really bring myself to do anything! for the first time, i felt some kind of black hole literally sucking up all that drive i used to have. today, i’m certain that i “got trapped” in it, a long time ago, but noticed only in march, when i didn’t use my time.
“in life, you regret the things you don’t do and the opportunities you don’t take.” it really bothers me that i know better but something holds me back.

however, i cannot yet name this “something”. i’m still inside it, and it’s always hard to explain something that you can’t overlook. it’s probably for the same reason that people wonder what could be “outside the universe” or what could have been there before time and space was created. it’s impossible to imagine, because the assumptions we take for granted – they don’t apply for the unknown.

this is a big step for me and i’m extremely afraid to post this entry (when it’s done). i find it hard to talk to anyone about my problems. i guess i don’t want to burden the people around me. i also think they don’t care enough. i’m afraid i won’t be able to protect my vulnerable side when i open up to someone. i don’t want to admit my fears and weaknesses to others, although inside, i’m very aware of them anytime. last year, i started this blog, because i felt like bubbling about something and posting some pictures i’d made. it was supposed to be for fun or about art, so i tried to filter out my own issues. i thought “it would bore people, they come online for fun, not for my whining”. but it turns out, when i filter out my personal stuff, there’s really nothing else left to say! that is why i didn’t write for months. that is why i don’t paint anymore and why it sometimes takes me weeks to get something as tiny and easy as a phone call done. (this is embarrassing. but i’ve promised myself not to delete a truth once typed.)

what i am trying to say is this: i want my surroundings to see me as happy and able and young and witty, because that’s what people love. wisdom, talent, strength and grace and direction. but i’ve realized that right now, i’m just nothing like that. i’ve been confused, exhausted and overcome by my inability to hide my current self that is weak and lost and unhappy. and today, i decide to change something about this masquerade. after all, writing unimportant sucky “real” stuff can be more relieving than to remain silent.

today, i try it. i try out honesty and courage. i even bought “the great gatsby”.

i hope that maybe some stranger clicks this by accident and can find some strength or hope in my words, though there will not always be a silver lining in my texts. i’m not a professional and just stuck too deep inside my struggles to have a solution up my sleeve that i believe in. so, bear with me, please.

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